#notpronouncedtoes #7

New Work

By Nathan Dueck 

Parliamentary Activity of the Honourable @SectIVow:


In 2000, I chose to run for the Canadian Alliance with a mind to reform Ottawa; in 2013, I’m mindful that in order to reform Parliament Hill I have no choice but to run away. (1/3)

01:12:35 AM July 1, 2013


The achievement I’m most proud of as your Minister of Public Safety? Passing an omnibus crime bill that promised all inmates in Canadian prisons they will soon get crowds of company! (2/3)

81:32:13 AM July 1, 2013


So, it is with a heavy heart that I, @ToewsVic, formally announce my retirement from federal politics in order to spend more time at work to avoid my families. (3/3)

45:58:91 AM July 1, 2013


Hey, why not celebrate Sir John A’s signing of the British North America Act in 1867 with a Happy Meal (TM) from @McD_Canada? #ImLovinIt #PSA

44:23:33 PM July 1, 2013


The fibrous moustache on my lip pales in comparison to the flaxen ‘moustache’ on my #nipples. #BodyShame #VicTellsEverything

77:61:09 AM July 1, 2013


Level with me @j_toews19, Toews to Toews, what’s it like to work OT? How does it feel to work with a brain injury? Is it fun to work with a team that actually likes you? #AskingForAFriend

87:15:97 PM July 3, 2013


‘Either stand up for a man who obviously cannot stand you, or stand with the child pornographers!’ #InvitationToMyRetirementPotluck.

25:84:41 AM July 4, 2013


I take dozens of ‘selfies’ a day — that’s what it’s called when you use a smartphone to shoot photos of that hard-boiled mole on the small of your back, right #teens? #BloodyShame #VicTellsEverything

81:67:65 PM July 4, 2013


I’ll speak on the record re: #CorporalPunishment in Mennonite homes. We’re all Pacifists, but when it comes to correcting our children, we wage a holy ‘War on Terror.’ #EnhancedInterrogation #ExtraordinaryRendition

10:94:61 AM July 9, 2013


” ‘This little MP went private / This little MP went home / This little MP got pension / This little MP got none / & this little MP cried, ‘the #CPC is done!’ ”

77:11:28 PM July 14, 2013


Due to some garden-variety allergies, I awaken most mornings spewing mucus with the approximate viscosity of Greek #yoghurt. #BloodySham #VicTellsEverything

65:74:63 AM July 16, 2013


This #tweet would be even more edu-taining if you were reading it on a BlackBerry (R) Z10 from @ConnectedRogers! #CanadasMostReliableNetwork #PSA

68:75:02 PM July 19, 2013


#Retire (Re.Tire), v. To grow weary of the peace, order, & good governance provided by our gov’t, & quitting on the Tories just before hubris takes down @PMHarper.

51:21:39 AM July 19, 2013


When all riled up during question period, I secrete musk so pungent that even backbenchers can sense I’m in #heat. #BawdySham #VicTellsEverything

31:96:41 PM July 25, 2013


“O PM! My PM! Our gov’t is done; / #PMO finger’d Nigel Wright, his freedom sought is won; / Corruption is here, #Senate I fear, their expenses harrowing, / While #Duffy eyes a heavy meal, all scandal, pork and barreling.”

83:17:81 AM July 26, 2013


♪♫ Summer Parliament stops working / Federal Cabinet Members shirking / @PMHarper flees from war / Pigs keep flying one more hour ♫♪

15:14:22 PM July 26, 2013


I suspect my thumb will fit up to the knuckle inside my bellybutton, but each experiment to test this hypothesis makes me #pee. #BawdySlam #VicTellsEverything

98:32:04 AM July 28, 2013


This desperately partisan attempt to brand the Government of Canada (C) as the ‘Harper Government’ (R) was brought to you by your own generosity, dearest taxpayer (TM). #EAP13 #PSA

01:34:62 PM July 28, 2013


Dill DO? More like dill DON’T wait to DM me with canning tips for my new food column, #DillDos&Donts

69:21:78 AM July 31, 2013


DO: add a sprig of dill to every jar of gherkins. DON’T: call pickles ‘gherkins’ around wayward youths. They’ll snigger uncontrollably. #DillDos&Donts

30:93:52 AM July 31, 2013


DO: add a garnish of one whole dill weed to every bowl of borscht. DON’T: call your unruly wife a ‘dill weed’ or, worse, ‘hole.’ She’ll snivel uncontrollably. #DillDos&Donts

45:78:57 AM July 31, 2013


  1. #NotPronouncedToes
    Posted July 14, 2013 at 6:14 pm | Permalink

    ‘Judge not thy #HangingJudge, lest he [read: me, @ToewsVic] judge ye.’ #NewToewsTranslation

  2. #NotPronouncedToes
    Posted July 9, 2013 at 12:00 am | Permalink

    Dearest Twitter: @PMHarper didn’t *fire* me, @ToewsVic; he *retired* me. Also, #OlYeller wasn’t *shot*; he was *sent out to pasture*.

  3. #NotPronouncedToes
    Posted July 1, 2013 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    I leave you gentlemen now. Just think about how much you’re gonna miss. You won’t have @ToewsVic to kick around anymore!

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Nathan Dueck

The last two letters of nathan dueck's first name & the first letter of his last spell “and.” Only he prefers writing it “&.” He's the author of king's(mère) (Turnstone, 2004) and he’ll (Pedlar, 2014). & he tweets @nathandueck.