The Current Top 5 Things That Piss Me Off


By Agnes Smythe-Jones

All those nice young Occupiers have got me thinking about the state of the world. Like them, I can’t seem to settle on just one issue that is irritating me. In fact, I have started a list that I fear may extend over several columns. Here, in descending order, are the current top five Things That Piss Me Off:

5. Television Programmers. Every time I find a new show I like, some pointy-headed dipshit in Toronto or New York decides to change the air-time. Then they change the day. Then after three episodes, they cancel the show altogether. WTF?

4. Adverts At The Movies. With my hip problems, I can’t get out to the theatre as often as I used to. The other day I drove downtown to see Puss n’ Boots 3D. After paying for parking, admission, a ridiculously over-sized box of popcorn and barrel of Sprite, and then settling into my seat, I was assaulted by a barrage of deafening advertisements for everything from tampons to teabags. I paid a total of $30 to see ten minutes of ads that covered a screen the size of the Titanic. And they weren’t even in 3D. WTF?

3. People Who Race Bicycles On The Sidewalk. I know it’s difficult for bicyclists on the road. There are many angry motorists who are in a rush to get from one red light to another and don’t mind clipping a two-wheeler along the way. But what about the angry bicyclists who charge down the sidewalk, weaving in and out of pedestrians without even a beep to let you know they are coming. WTF?  p.s. I’m not talking about little Tommy up the block who is a very polite young boy despite being Irish.

2. Using The Word ‘Conversation’ When You Mean ‘Debate’.  I was listening to CBC Radio last week and interviewer after interviewer talked about ‘conversation’. ‘Join the conversation, be a part of the conversation, we are having a conversation about the Middle East’. But the people engaged in these ‘conversations’ were all yelling at each other. They were having a debate, if not an outright verbal knife-fight. WTF, CBC?

1.  The Internet. Now that my son has given me his old computer I am spending more time on the Internet. I even paid extra in my Rogers bundle for a high-speed connection. But whenever I try to download nude pictures of Silvio Berlusconi, it takes longer than corn to grow. When I called the nice young Bengali fellow at Rogers’ customer support, he told me the problem was all the people downloading movies and TV shows from something called Netflix. Now I understand why these TV programmers are so antsy. WTF, Internet?

Dear readers, please feel free to add your own irritations in the box below. Our editor will post the most urine-inducing for all the world to read.


  1. Jean
    Posted November 22, 2011 at 9:03 pm | Permalink

    Dear Agnes. (If I may call you Agnes?)

    I, too, suffer from WVID (Widespread Vague Irritation Disorder) so seeing your column was most refreshing. I don’t share your fascination with Silvio, but items 5 to 2 absolutely struck a chord with me.

    Here a few other things that PMO:

    1. Overt and relentless positivity.
    2. The Bumper Sticker school of political debate.
    3. The price of Kicking Horse coffee.
    4. Too frequent federal elections.
    5. Too much time till the next federal election.

    Yours truly,

  2. Bubbles
    Posted November 22, 2011 at 5:26 pm | Permalink

    One thing that pisses me off is double-barrelled last names. Think about the poor child if, say, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins impregnated Agnes Smythe-Jones. And what if they named the kid Billy Bob. Billy Bob Nugent-Hopkins-Smythe-Jones. Yikes!

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Things That Piss Me Off

Agnes Smyth-Jones

Agnes Smyth-Jones recently retired as headmistress of the Pauline Réage School for Girls. Her late husband, Rodney, was an arms dealer and philanthropist. In her spare time Mrs. Smythe-Jones enjoys proof-reading and watching Australian rules football.